hmmm. my mind is a mess right now. there are so many things I need to do, figure out, and explore. I can't keep track. right now is the time for scholarships and college applications and what not, so that's taking up a lot of time. school has begun. parents are crazy. no joke. I hate being at home. and I hate saying that, but I would much rather be at school than with my parents. I would actually prefer to be in Africa. They constantly nag and criticize and have become just flat out rude and cruel. It sucks. I tell you, my self esteem is sooooo low right now that, if it weren't for God in my life, I don't know where or what I would be, and that scares me. I feel like I can never do anything right. This all makes me sound very weak, but I'm not, I'm strong, just sensitive. but right now is just a really bad time and it's truly how I feel and it's about time for me to vent out some of these feelings and thoughts.
I can't tell you how bad I want to move out. be on my own. control my own life. make my own decisions, whether they are bad or good, I just want to do it on my own. It's so sad to say, but the absolute last thing I want to become on this earth is my parents. I love kids so much and I know I will be an awesome parent one day and i look foward to it.
I just can't seem to make up my mind about kyle. Do I like him, or do I not? there are times when I am disappointed in him and just cannot understand why he made a choice he did. from what I hear, he's been crushing on Christin lately, and that saddens me. Christin is my friend, but Kyle is at a critical time in his life when he needs to think twice about everything he does, because even a small mistake can have a huge maleffect (is that even a word? sounds good to me) on his life and I don't feel that Christin is the best choice for him. First of all, she's interested in other guys and , I mean no harm, but she tends to move from guy to guy quite frequently and I don't think that she would have a good influence on kyle at this time. plus, Kyle has said that she drinks and gets drunk and that is definately not good for him. Megan and I agree on this. I don't mean to sound like his mother, but he's a really good friend of mine and I care about him very much. I just hopes he makes the right decision. ...... There are also many times when I'm totally crushing on him and I just want to be in his arms. it sounds funny, but I think that Kyle, in my opinion, is one of those guys that you just like to be around and sit with (and secretly hope he'll put his arm around you!) ha ha. and the mostest coolest thing about Kyle is that he is so unpredictable. I love it when he calls me for 2 minutes from work when he takes out the trash, I don't know his reason behind that, but it's just really cool. and, though it may make some other people really mad, I love it when he calls at like 1 or 2 in the morning to ask about something, or to say hi. he doesn't do it often, and that's a good thing, but he does it just the right amount of times that I find it encouraging to know that someone else is thinking about me. real cool. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. about me, about Christin, about Megan, about God. anything. I just can't figure out what's going on.
I've felt kinda left out lately around Lauren and Megan. We've talked about it and being a group of 3 best friends is tough. 3 really is a crowd. most of the time, we're alright and we're all cool, but sometimes one of us feels left out. I love them both, but I always feel like the odd one out. if you just look at us, I'm the odd one out. They do newspaper together and the go to concerts and parties and know a lot more people than I do and always talk about it. it's cool to hear about it, but when both of them just start talking to each other only and go off somewhere together, then I'm left out. so, now that we're all back in school together again, I tend to spend time with them individually, sometimes together, but mostly individually and we're still all best friends, or when they start talking, I'll sit with Brittany, b/c she's my other best friend and it's all good. I guess it's just something we'll have to overcome, and I know we will, someday, because we're all so close and close friends always stick together. I love you girls!!
well, I'm already feeling a lot better, so I'll just give your eyes a break and do my devotional. I actually should be sleeping at this time on a school night, but it's never good to go to bed angry or sad. remember that, loves. :)