So, yeah, things haven't been too bad over here lately.  I'm worried about megan, because she's just really stressed out about school and everything is just piling up on her, and she's having problems with Adam, plain old high school drama.  Megan, honey, just sit down and write a list of everything that is stressing you out, and go into specifics.  every assignment, every event, everything.  then, go through the list, one-by-one, and take care of them.  and mark them off when they're taken care of and as more things are marked off, you'll see that you really are getting a lot of stuff done and you'll be proud and feeling a lot less stressed! I love you and I know you can do it!


Also, I havn't spoken to Kyle for a while, not purposely, though.  I've called him a few times, but he hasn't been there, and when he calls me, I'm not here.  we're playing a game of phone tag, and we're both winning.  The last time I saw him was when I went to his house and hung out and left him with a kiss, he he.  I've spoken to him a couple times since that, but not much.  Then, different people have told me that he's not sure whether he wants to kick up a relationship further than friends.  at first, i was kinda like, "oh, ok.  hmmm. bummer."  but now that I think about it, I personally don't know what I want to do myself.  I mean, it's like I said before, I like hanging out with him and sometimes I get butterflies in my stomach, but there's always this huge wall in between us, and there are a lot of things we don't have in common.  First of all is my faith.  I have a hard time talking to him, because I'm always thinking, "man, I wish he was a christian." and I try to talk to him about it a lot, but, i don't know, it's just weird.  I can't figure it out and I can't figure him out.  For most people, I can understand what they're thinking and why and where they're coming from, even non-believers, but I can't with Kyle.  I just feel distant and I can't make up my mind.  and I know he can't make up his either.  Second, i love to cuddle and I'm a touchy-feely person, I can't help it. but, he's the opposite.  he's told me before that he can't stand it when a girl is like that. hmmm.  well, again, i don't know.

my senior quote:  "Livin' on a Prayer"  - Bon Jovi

and my senior baby picture is really cute too!

Later, loves! 

Starting with the best, because it's the freshest in my mind:

Well, I learned a valuable lesson with my family, but I'll tell you about that later.
Ok, the super totally cool stuff from a girl's mind (hehe):
I had a very important talk with Lauren and Megan.  I love them so much and I don't know what I would do without them.  I mean, i was so darn depressed and inconfident, and they saw that, even with the smiles and laughs on the outside.  I won't give you the details, but there was crying and laughing and it was wonderful.  They gave me a big load of encouragement and pointed out that I am who I am and I need to accept that.  Forget about what my parents tell me, they're just letting their stress out on me, because they have nowhere else to do that.  I am better than what they tell me I am.  i need to find out who i am for myself and i don't need to let anyone else tell me otherwise and get me down.  I feel so much better and I believe that I'm actually not that bad.  Of course, i'm not magically completely confident after 30 minutes, but I'm in the process of appreciating myself and everything about me.  I am always so focused on taking care of others and boosting their confidence that I forgot about myself and my needs.  I LOVE PEOPLE! I LOVE YOU! people are great.  YOU are great.  YAY!

Also, another cool thing:
I spent some time with Kyle today and Saturday that was really good.  It sounds cheesy, but even with everything going on, i was happy to see Kyle and happy to see that he cared.  and I'm telling you, today i watched a movie with him and Lauren and he kept teasing me for picking a bad movie, but I just wanted to lean over and kiss him.  I don't even know if that's something i should be thinking about, but I couldn't help it.  and it's funny saying this, because I know he's reading this.  Aren't you, Kyle? but I'm not embarassed.  He probably wasn't thinking the same thing and he probably thinks I'm such a girl, but, hey, at least he knows what I'm thinking, eh? I still wish I knew what he thinks of me, not just as a girl, but as a person. I wish that he would randomly do some act that would give me a thumbs up, or a thumbs down, either way. 



Dum da dum dum... Dum da dum dum DUM!
The Not-so-Good things:

We'll begin with Saturday morning.  I had just gotten up about half and hour earlier and I was watching TV, like I always do on saturday mornings until i am fully awake.  Well, out of nowhere my dad comes storming in and starts yelling at me and cursing and throwing a fit.  I couldn't understand what he was saying, so i didn't know what to do or say, it kinda caught me by surprise.  Then, he grabs me by my arm and throws me to the floor and tells me to go to my room. I'm still trying to get up when he grabs my arm again and starts dragging me to my room.  It hurt and I told him to stop, but he just yanked even harder and threw me into my room.  i had no idea what was wrong.  then he started yelling at me again telling me that i should be ashamed of myself, that I was worthless.  still confused and trying to see through the tears, i asked what he was talking about.  he looked at me like I was stupid and told me that my room was a mess and I needed to clean up.  i couldn't believe he was so mad over a dirty room.  it wasn't even that bad.  Sure, my bed wasn't made, I had a couple shirts at the end of my bed, there were some crumpled papers by my desk from a project, but that was no reason to flip like he did.  He just slammed my door and I started to clean, which only took about 5 minutes, and then cried myself to sleep again.  I woke up about an hour later and went into the living room, and my dad was acting like nothing had happened.  he smiled at me and asked if I was hungry for lunch! What!?!? I was so mad that he could do something like that and not even think twice about it.  i didn't eat for the rest of the day, I wasn't even hungry.  you know how I've been wanting to move out? well, I was seriously thinking about it.  most of saturday I was talking with Megan and Kyle about it and they both said I could, that i'm old enough, that I should do it.  even Megan's boyfriend said I should do it.  well, i decided that i was going to write a letter to my parents, telling them how i felt about the way they treat me and how it hurts me and that I think it would be better if i moved out.  i know it wasn't what they may have wanted to hear, but I was very mature and polite about it and could only hope that they would stay calm.  well, i couldn't have been more wrong.  my mom ignored me and didn't say a thing, but that's nothing new, and my dad crumpled it up, threw it to the ground and absolutely freaked.  again.  but this time it was worse.  he said the most awful things, that i was just a stupid teenager, that i wasn't even close to being a christian, and that I could go to hell for all he cared.  It was a lot worse and lasted longer than it sounds, but that's the just of it.  i went to my room and grabbed the bag I had already packed and started out the door, because I didn't know what my dad was about to do. i was so scared.  i ran out the door and was running toward my car, when my dad came running after me out of the house, grabbed my bag, threw it in the house, grabbed me by neck and threw me to the ground, i was trying to crawl away, but he grabbed me by my arm and, again, dragged me into the house, yanked me up by my arm and threw me into my room.  i hit my head on the desk and was kinda dizzy and shocked and scared and about to collapse all at the same time.  he left and went into the kitchen for a minute.  i grabbed the phone, quickly called Lauren and Alex to come get me, because they were already waiting in the neighborhood if i needed help, and I still didn't know what was going to happen, so i got back up and ran out the front door.  i just kept running and running and crying and still so dizzy i could barely see.  then, thank goodness, i saw alex's car coming and i got in the back and Lauren sat with me while Alex drove and we left for his house.  I had nothing with me and I was just bawling in Lauren's arms while she tried to comfort me and told her what had happened.  We got to his house and I just sat on the couch and they tried to calm me down while we listened to Nora Jones. I was still shook up, but i felt better to be with my friends.   

throughout the evening i heard that my parents had been calling around looking for me and were about to call the cops, so i called home to let them know i was safe and with friends, that i just needed comfort time.  My dad said he was sorry for losing his temper and he didn't mean it, that he wasn't going to let me move out until i go to college and they just want the best for me. He said i had to come home the next day so we could talk.  everyone said that i shouldn't go back home, but I had to.  i don't hate my family, i love them, i just don't like them sometimes.  well, the next morning my dad picked me up and we had a long talk about how my mother was really hard to live with, that he's sorry he loses his temper every now and again, that i needed to dedicate most of my time to working around the house to help my mom, even though I already do a lot, and that when i turn 18 they are going to give me a lot more freedom, at least that's what he said.  I realized that I was running away from my problems, and i'm not the time of person to do that, so I have decided to take them head on, no matter how horrible it may be.  i can deal for a while.  after all, a few months is just a tiny teardrop of all the water in the world times a million compared to eternity.  and that, my friends, is how long i'm going to live with God in Heaven, forever and ever.  i just keep remembering that and I know that God will help me through this and he will somehow make this difficult lesson valuable in my future. 

so, now I'm back with my family and my mom hasn't said a word to me, though she still talks to Stephanie, but that's ok, because I know i am being the mature one in this situation and i'm strong enough to get through and still have an optimistic outlook on things when I get out.  I just ask for your prayers.  even if you're not Christian, God still hears you, he hears all.  sure, he already knows i need help, but he still likes to be spoken to and it puts a smile on his face to know that there are people out there who have enough faith in him to take a few minutes and ask for his help and thank him for all he has done.  Yes, I still thank God for everything, even all the bad stuff that's been happening with my family, because i am learning so much from this and I am becoming so much stronger and I hope to have more obstacles thrown in my path as I walk as a servant of God, because I can only grow.  the sky is the limit, loves, the sky is the limit. :)