I am really struggling with decison of whether I should move out or not and when?  I want to move out now, but it's not legal until I'm 18.  What I think I'm going to do is wait until I turn 18 in december and MOVE OUT! My parents will have no way to stop me and I will be free from their abuse.  If they don't pay for me, then I can always get loans and scholarships, but I will not be able to continue living in this house under their veil.  they used to just be stritct, then they were overprotective, now it is just ridiculous. I have no freedom or independence and, for goodness sake, i am a Senior and deserve some more priveleges than the ones I had in middle school! i can't stand it! I WANT OUT! i know that I would be sooooo much happier if i move out and I could do so much better with everything, because right now i'm just so miserable all the time, because all I hear is how i'm such a failure and how I'm a fat, stupid, worthless piece of shit (their words, not mine).  grrr. i just don't know.  i used to say, "psh, that's not me, i'm better than that, i'm just gonna ignore them when they say that." but now, well, it's had a really big effect on me.  i'm so self conscious and i have such low self esteem, because it's all i ever hear.  i have such a hard time finding all the good things about me.  all i care about is other people and how they need to take care of themselves, forget about me, i'm just a burden.  it's pathetic, it really is, and i know it.  we fight every day and i just go to my room for the rest of the night, no dinner usually, pray for a long time, read my bible, listen to Nora Jones, do some homework, pray some more, and go to sleep.  I find myself zoning out all the time at school and not really caring about anything but my faith and friends.  i don't know what's up with me, but i don't like it.  i wish i could be stronger, but everytime i build myself up, i come home only to be knocked off my feet again.  i just want to feel better. that's all.

i'm lookin foward to tomorrow!  I get to chaperone a middle school dance! YAY! I wish i could have brought a date, but, the only problem is, i don't have one. ha ha

well, I guess I have some repairs to do.  turns out, Kyle and Christin aren't dating and aren't going to date.  So, for all of you chulos guapos out there, she is available.  available as tomatoes in an Italian restaurant.  Megan and Kyle had a fight and their friendship almost ended, but I encouraged them to work it out and they did. YAY! :)  Friends are amazingly important in the game of life, men and women, and you can never have enough!  So I encourage all of you to challenge your boundaries and just approach someone on the street and introduce yourself. say, "hi.  I just wanted to meet you, because you have a kind face and I thought you might be a cool person to be friends with!" BAM! an open opportunity to gain another friend! :)  and if someone says this to you, be friendly and talk to them.  be careful, but don't be paranoid.  not everybody has alternate intentions.  and if you are having conflicts with any current friends, i say to you, FIX IT!  because it was probably a huge misunderstanding and no one really meant anything.  don't lose a good friend in a puddle of high school drama.  love and you shall be loved. *kiss*

Well, I guess I havn't written an actual journal entry for a while, so perhaps I shall.  :)

hmmm.  my mind is a mess right now.  there are so many things I need to do, figure out, and explore.  I can't keep track.  right now is the time for scholarships and college applications and what not, so that's taking up a lot of time.  school has begun.  parents are crazy.  no joke.  I hate being at home.  and I hate saying that, but I would much rather be at school than with my parents.  I would actually prefer to be in Africa.  They constantly nag and criticize and have become just flat out rude and cruel.  It sucks.  I tell you, my self esteem is sooooo low right now that, if it weren't for God in my life, I don't know where or what I would be, and that scares me.  I feel like I can never do anything right.  This all makes me sound very weak, but I'm not, I'm strong, just sensitive.  but right now is just a really bad time and it's truly how I feel and it's about time for me to vent out some of these feelings and thoughts. 


I can't tell you how bad I want to move out.  be on my own.  control my own life.  make my own decisions, whether they are bad or good, I just want to do it on my own.  It's so sad to say, but the absolute last thing I want to become on this earth is my parents.  I love kids so much and I know I will be an awesome parent one day and i look foward to it.


I just can't seem to make up my mind about kyle.  Do I like him, or do I not? there are times when I am disappointed in him and just cannot understand why he made a choice he did.  from what I hear, he's been crushing on Christin lately, and that saddens me.  Christin is my friend, but Kyle is at a critical time in his life when he needs to think twice about everything he does, because even a small mistake can have a huge maleffect (is that even a word? sounds good to me) on his life and I don't feel that Christin is the best choice for him.  First of all, she's interested in other guys and , I mean no harm, but she tends to move from guy to guy quite frequently and I don't think that she would have a good influence on kyle at this time. plus, Kyle has said that she drinks and gets drunk and that is definately not good for him.  Megan and I agree on this.  I don't mean to sound like his mother, but he's a really good friend of mine and I care about him very much.  I just hopes he makes the right decision.  ...... There are also many times when I'm totally crushing on him and I just want to be in his arms.  it sounds funny, but I think that Kyle, in my opinion, is one of those guys that you just like to be around and sit with (and secretly hope he'll put his arm around you!) ha ha.  and the mostest coolest thing about Kyle is that he is so unpredictable.  I love it when he calls me for 2 minutes from work when he takes out the trash, I don't know his reason behind that, but it's just really cool.  and, though it may make some other people really mad, I love it when he calls at like 1 or 2 in the morning to ask about something, or to say hi.  he doesn't do it often, and that's a good thing, but he does it just the right amount of times that I find it encouraging to know that someone else is thinking about me.  real cool.  I just wish I knew what he was thinking. about me, about Christin, about Megan, about God.  anything. I just can't figure out what's going on.

I've felt kinda left out lately around Lauren and Megan.  We've talked about it and being a group of 3 best friends is tough.  3 really is a crowd. most of the time, we're alright and we're all cool, but sometimes one of us feels left out. I love them both, but I always feel like the odd one out.  if you just look at us, I'm the odd one out.  They do newspaper together and the go to concerts and parties and know a lot more people than I do and always talk about it.  it's cool to hear about it, but when both of them just start talking to each other only and go off somewhere together, then I'm left out. so, now that we're all back in school together again, I tend to spend time with them individually, sometimes together, but mostly individually and we're still all best friends, or when they start talking, I'll sit with Brittany, b/c she's my other best friend and it's all good.  I guess it's just something we'll have to overcome, and I know we will, someday, because we're all so close and close friends always stick together.  I love you girls!!



well, I'm already feeling a lot better, so I'll just give your eyes a break and do my devotional. I actually should be sleeping at this time on a school night, but it's never good to go to bed angry or sad.  remember that, loves. :)

 

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Sunday was full of all types of emotions for me.  As I relfect, I remember when I cried, when I laughed, when I was shocked, when I was grateful, when I was in awe, when I was mad, when I was hurt, and when I had an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation.  How, you ask? well, this sunday was the last day for all of my youth leaders in church.  three left. one is getting married and moving away, the other two feel that God needs them at another church, so they are transferring. the first one, Justin, is my youth minister, but I'm not very close to him.  we've talked, but somehow, I feel like I can't talk to him, because I'm not cool enough and he doesn't care what I have to say.  there are just some people that are so different from you that you feel intimidated by them, and, in my case, he's one of those people.  but, au contraire, the other two mean very very much to me.  becky and jered.  they have helped me in countless situations and I can honestly say that I owe my life to them.  jered especially.  At first, I was shy around him, because he was very loud and outspoken and I felt defeated when I was around him, but that all changed in one night.  one wednesday night.  it was exactly one year after Sept. 11, at church and he was giving a lesson on the joy that God can bring to christians that others don't recieve.  I felt God weighing on my heart and my soul and all I could think about was accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior, so I did.  Jered led me through the prayer and tears came to both of our eyes.  it was undescribable, amazing.  that was the night I was saved, thanks to the help of Jered.  Becky and Jered gave me advice numerous times and taught me important lessons using the word of God in all areas of life today, and I mean ALL areas.  during that sleepover at their house I wrote about before, I had a very emotional heart-to-heart with becky and she now gives me the strength and encouragement that my family lacks.  before talking to her, as I'm sure you have read, I was in the dumps, depressed, struggling to stay above water, but she helped me up and now I know she is someone to talk to and stay with when I get locked out of the house, because I know that not only will both her and Jered comfort and support me, but they will help me keep my confidence in God, because times like those are the times I ask, "why, God? Why me? why this? why now?" but the last thing I should do is turn my back on God, because he is the only one who can help me through. 
Jered was also baptized at the same time as me and that is an incredible experience to share with someone. On Sunday they went through the youth group to each person and told them how much they mean to them and we remembered the wonderful times we shared.  every girl and even some of the guys were crying.  When they got to me, Becky said many things that touched my heart, too much to write down and said that Jered and I definitely have a close bond, and we do, and when she said that, jered just let it all out, he cried without even trying to hold it in, and so did I.  later when I was saying good-bye to Jered, we hugged and cried and hugged again. but then he said something that I'll never forget. he said, "I'm probably gonna miss you the most." that shocked me a bit, because I thought that he was closer with others in the youth group, but now that I think about it, we had shared so many important times and decisions together, that there was automatically a tie between us that is unbreakable.  even though we're still gonna visit them a lot, I'm gonna miss them so much. 
watching a person accept Christ is...man...I can't even think of a word to describe it. you're watching God save that person's soul and that has no match.   I've only had that experience once, but I don't know if it counts, because he didn't really believe.  I invited Kyle to a church event with me and the speaker was Dave Edwards.  Throughout the entire night, I was just hoping and praying that Dave's words would hit a nerve and maybe Kyle would accept Christ.  At the end of the event, he asked for people who wanted accept Christ or renew their relationship with Christ to step foward and go to another room with thier youth minister for prayer.  most of the people left and the rest of us waited in the sanctuary for their return.  Brittany and i were the only ones left and I was so excited, because Kyle had left to make his decision.  I was so giddy and couldn't stop smiling, because I felt so honored that God used me to reach Kyle, and now he succeeded!  Then, Kyle and the others came out and everyone was telling me that Kyle accepted Christ! I went up to him and gave him a hug and said if he ever wants to talk, hey, I'm always around, and I still am. but he didn't seem so happy. he just said, eh, I don't know. as soon as I heard that, i knew he didn't truly believe and I was crushed.  He later told me that he didn't at it was back to where we started. well, not exactly. I'm sure that night had some effect on him and his beliefs.  I pray for him all the time and I know that God is going to reach him somehow, because he wouldn't have taken him all this way for nothing. every time I talk to him I hope he brings up the topic of my christian beliefs, so I can talk to him about it.  evangelism is my gift from God, because, unlike many Christians, I'm not afraid to announce my beliefs over a loud speaker and every chance I get, I witness to others.  Any of my fellow Christians who are reading this, I encourage you to discover your gift and use it to spread God's love. not everybody is a preacher, but every body, in some form, can preach.

I have been reading the various comments that people have been leaving and I want you to know that I truly do appreciate the messages.  it's nice to get feedback from my messages that I hope are inspiring many out there that are struggling.  There are, however, a couple comments in which I would like to debate over with the one who wrote them.  but, I am not entirely familiar with this system and I don't know if there's any way I can respond to the comments, because I would like to.  I don't need to know who the writers are, I just want to talk with them, so if you know how I could do that, please leave a comment and I would greatly appreciate it!  thanks love